14. Nothing really makes me happy anymore

I’ve been trapped in a miserable abyss for the past few weeks. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Nothing seems to be going right. I absent-mindedly leave things behind, and the count for the last 10 days stands at 3: My passport, my wallet and my matriculation card. Luckily both my passport and wallet have been recovered, but I still feel just as miserable. It’s as if my brain isn’t functioning normally.

I don’t really know how to explain what I’m feeling right now, but being stuck in this perpectual state only reinforces it. It’s a combination of frustration, resignation and apathy. It’s kind of neither here nor there, and thus it only serves to drag me further down. I’m not frustrated enough to punch a wall to vent, not resigned enough to start sobbing, and well, the feeling of apathy is just hanging there. I’ll very much rather encounter a strong wave of feelings that will push me over the edge and force me to do something about it.

I’m not focusing very well on my studies, I get distracted very easily, and I procrastinate even though it’s 3am in the morning and work is still not done. I’m a little sick of everything right now. People, social responsibilties, school, work, everything else.

If only there was some way to get out of this vicious cycle. I want to laugh again. I don’t think I’ve truely laughed in a long time. All I do is look sick, or tired, or stoned.

Nothing really makes me happy anymore.

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2 thoughts on “14. Nothing really makes me happy anymore

  1. What you are experiencing now is very normal. In fact, it would be quite surprising if life is always pleasant. Apathy and indifference can actually be a critical and essential path towards growth, if we choose to learn from this rather difficult period. Live through the rainy periods, and enjoy the silver lining behind the clouds.

    All the best in your exams, endure and push through the final stretch!

    大學の試験も、JLPTの試験も、人生の試験も是非頑張ってください!

    • Thank you for the encouragement! (:

      うわー!ありがとうございます!日本語でコメント受け取れてすごく嬉しいです。 来月日本語能力試験N2級受けるつもりです。頑張ります!

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